On Saying Good-bye

Recently I attended a memorial service for a friend of mine. After the service it occurred to me that only three people, besides the family and minister, had stood and had spoken about my friend, his life, how he had impacted them or how they will miss him. Maybe it is because I am growing older and I have been to more memorials in the last few years than I would like that, thinking back, this bothered me. I know that my friend touched more people than three. There were well over a hundred people in attendance and he had been in practice for over 30 years. I also know that most surveys on the subject show that the fear of speaking in public is the number one fear most people have, even more so than that of dying. Given the fear that most people have of speaking perhaps it is understandable why there were not more people who were willing to stand and speak, but it still bothers me and so I am writing this letter as encouragement to speak up when someone you know passes on. I believe that we need to let the family know the depth and breadth of their loved ones life and that by our speaking we give others in the room the opening to speak up. Even if we just repeat what others have said, or just say “(s)he touched my life”, I believe it is important for us to speak up. (Better yet, why not tell the people in our life while they are alive how much they mean to us so that they may know the difference they have made) If we are at a memorial service that person has touched our life in some way. Maybe it is just an acquaintance, a co-worker, a client or a casual friend; they have touched us and changed us because of their time on this planet. Charlie “T” Jones says that “We are changed by the books we read and the people we meet”. I am encouraging us all to acknowledge the change, the difference, no matter how slight, that person made in our life.
There is a poem titled “The Dash”, by Linda Ellis, which refers to the sum total of our lives as the “dash” between the date of our birth and the date of our death. That isn’t much of an epitaph, a dash. Three people commenting on an almost 70 year life, doesn’t really say much about who my friend was, what he did, who he touched or how he touched people. It isn’t much about any life of any length. If we are there, at a memorial, we were touched, we were changed by that person and we need to speak up. If we can’t go, we can write a note, personalize a card or make a call. It does not need to be somber or spiritual, just personal, from us, from our heart.
I hope that there are no memorials in our near future, but I know there will be memorials. Please, let’s decide that we will tell the people in our life how much we appreciate them, that they do make a difference and if it has to be at a memorial, please let’s not be shy, let’s make the “dash” in that person’s life have meaning. I know that from now on I will.
As you have received this letter, please know that you have touched my life and that no matter what the circumstances were of our relationship, because of you my life is better and I appreciate you for giving me a fuller and better life.

Fred

(PS. No, I am not dying, I do not have an incurable disease, nor am I going anywhere and my plan is to be around for quite awhile yet.)